There's a feeling that I can't seem to figure out after my period got delayed for just 2 days. So I took a pregnancy test. POSITIVE!!! I woke Ali at 6am and the first thing he said to me is: "Gusto mo ng fruits?" Hahaha! We bought another PT and once again, positive. We are now pregnant! I announced it to our reunion (this was on the day when I took the PT). My whole family was so excited for us!
I went to my OB for my first check up and first IE. She told us the do's and don'ts, what vitamins and meds to take and scheduled me for my first ever ultrasound.
Ultrasound day came, and we confirmed that we are really pregnant! I have a healthy uterus, yolk sac, a growing embryo and everything was fine. Ali and I are so happy and overflowing with love. This baby brought instant joy to me and my family. My next schedule of ultrasound and fetal heartbeat was at 3 weeks. Well, to tell you honestly, I was more excited to see my baby again than Holyweek, Hahaha!
My pregnancy was easy, I didn't have nausea, morning sickness etc, My "lihi" stage begun and I want to eat Santol. Its so funny because Santol will only be available on June. My husband, family, my family's friends and office mates are all looking for santol! Oh I sooooo feel loved. My Tita from the states went to La Union and Baguio and they are looking for Santol. Nakakataba lang ng puso. Oh Baby D, you are so loved and you're not even born yet!
Fetal Hearbeat day came and my doctor didn't seem to see a heartbeat, blood coloration or moving tissue. I was so heartbroken. This is much worse and much painful than any other pain that I experienced for the past 28 years. My tears start to fall when my doctor told us that there's no heartbeat. My husband, strong as he is, told me to keep calm and don't assume until she talked to us further regarding Baby D's condition. When I saw the findings, it is considered an early intrauterine fetal demise or fetal death. I still managed to control my tears and even smile at my doctor.
She told me that she'll give me another week because sometimes (not to give me us a false hope) there's a miracle. Na bigla nalang merong heartbeat. So we will be back next Monday for another ultrasound and hopefully hear Baby D's heartbeat. If still no sign of pumping, or growing then I'm sorry, we have to say goodbye to our first Baby D.
I broke down in the car on our way home. I am talking to our Baby D in my head and praying for him. Yun na lang naman ang magagawa ko. To pray that he'll continue to grow, to develop a heartbeat. I don't have the right to question God why this happened. Kaya nga ang nasabi ko lang is "GOD". I just called his name, yun lang, because I know he has a better plan for us and for our Baby.
It hurts a lot and I mean A LOT! I can't stop crying when I think about it. Looking at my last ultrasound was so painful. Thankfully I have my husband, my Mom and Dad to support me. Its devastating to think about the time that they will have to remove him inside my tummy. Its like I want him there nalang. I don't want to detach myself to him because he will be forever gone.
My dearest Baby D, Mommy and Daddy loves you sooooooooooooo much. If you can still grow, please do because there are so many people waiting for you and wants to love you too! But if you want to rest, and you're in pain, Mommy will understand. You'll be in a much happier place and God will take care of you. But I'm still hoping to meet you soon, okay? Mahal na mahal kita, anak.
"GOD" ...
