For my dear husband

Writing about you, our relationship, our friendship, our team is difficult because no words can explain how thankful I am to have this lifetime spent with you. Though at times, we don't understand each other, we have difficulties and we get to each other's nerves, please know that I can live because of you, that I am at my best version of myself because you pushed me to be better, to do more and to grow more -with you. You inspire me to reach for my dreams and to think positive even at difficult times.

People often asks me, may pinagaawayan pa ba kayo? You look so happy together.
Maybe because we chose our battles wisely, we don't show others our struggles because were mature enough to solve it on our own.

Thank you for everything.

I love you.

Holiday realizations

I haven't been updating my blog. Huhu! I AM SORRY.

Anyway, I opened my brother's hard drive and found old pictures and videos of me and my ex. Epic! My first reaction was: Ang payat ko. OMG. I need to get back in shape. PLEASE. and as I continue to browse, I felt happy because what I saw are good memories. As in literal na Laughing Out Loud. HAHAHA! He was my bestfriend since 4th year high school until 2010. I don't regret giving up our friendship because it led me to a much more good life. 

P.S. If ever my ex's wife read this, okay lang na ijudge mo ako na hindi pa ako nakapagmove on or bitter. Hehe! I'm just happy. And I want to thank you for giving my ex-bestfriend a life he deserves. :)

Anyway...

Today, I am so thankful to God that he gave everything that I needed. Iba kapag dumating ka na sa point sa buhay mo na sobrang kuntento ka na. I'm turning 29 this year and I'm thinking what I want to give myself or iparegalo (HAHAHA) kaso... wala na ako maisip na material things. 

All I want?

- Learn new skills

- To gain more experience 

- To be a better version of myself

- To see the world

- To work and reach my dreams

- To have a better career

- To be selfless

and for me to have this? Is just to work on myself more. Ewan, mamamatay na ata ako sa sobrang pagkaover thankful ko. Hehehe! 

<3 Mrs. D

Marriage 101: Fights - Do we have to tell others?

Ali and I are still new to being a married couple. We had several fights here and there, and were not used to telling other people our problems because we want to resolve it on our own.

Last weekend, we had a huge fight and we had to cancel our social events to fix our problem, compromise and reconcile. I am a little bit of guilty though because when my relatives asks me "why didn't you come? Nagtatampo na si Tito mo" I don't want to blurt to everyone that were having a problem and were trying to settle it. I am a very private person when it comes to my problems. I know, sometimes you have to seek help so it will not be a solo burden. But do I really need to tell everyone that we have a problem? I mean its for us to solve anyway. Right?

<3 Mrs. D

English Bulldog talk

I was having a stressful night because of my commute on the way to Blake's for my parents' wedding anniversary dinner. We had a scrumptious dinner, we talked about how everyone was doing, jokes, and my husband and dad's never ending car talks. We moved to our parent's house for dessert. that's when my husband blurted out: "My officemate is selling English Bulldog for only Php15,000!!!" So we all reacted: WEH!!! and I'm like: Sana di mo na bnrought up kasi I know you won't allow me to buy one kasi we live in a condo and no one will take care of it. Huhubels! and then my husband changed the topic. Okaaaaaaayy...
A brief background: I am a dog lover!!! and my husband knows that I super super wish to have one ever since. I like the english bulldog because its extremely cute, lazy and can grow like a pig. HAHAHA! That makes it cute btw. So I always ask my husband to bring me to Tiendesitas for a free realness (viewing and touching) of EBulldog. Its also so expensive -- tumataginting na 45K!!! Anyway...

On our way home, Ali brought the English bulldog topic again and I told him how I felt (na sana he didn't brought it up nalang bla bla) then he said:
You know, I would love to buy you one kasi it will bring you extreme happiness lalo na sa akin kasi I know you'll love it. Kaya nga nagssource ako eh, kaya lang I want you to understand na hindi pa pwede kasi nasa condo tayo and walang maiiwan sa kanya, sa liit ng condo, di naman tayo pwede maglagay ng cage nya dun and also imagine the smell of his poops. Don't worry, if nakalipat na tayo yun ang unang una kong ibibigay sayo. 

Explanation SOLD!!! I love how my husband put my happiness in his priorities and I'm very thankful for his way of making me understand things. I am blessed because God gave me someone whos the exact opposite of me so we can exchange our different views and learn from each other.

Lalala...

<3 Mrs. D

Our first Baby D

There's a feeling that I can't seem to figure out after my period got delayed for just 2 days. So I took a pregnancy test. POSITIVE!!! I woke Ali at 6am and the first thing he said to me is: "Gusto mo ng fruits?" Hahaha! We bought another PT and once again, positive. We are now pregnant! I announced it to our reunion (this was on the day when I took the PT). My whole family was so excited for us!

I went to my OB for my first check up and first IE. She told us the do's and don'ts, what vitamins and meds to take and scheduled me for my first ever ultrasound.

Ultrasound day came, and we confirmed that we are really pregnant! I have a healthy uterus, yolk sac, a growing embryo and everything was fine. Ali and I are so happy and overflowing with love. This baby brought instant joy to me and my family. My next schedule of ultrasound and fetal heartbeat was at 3 weeks. Well, to tell you honestly, I was more excited to see my baby again than Holyweek, Hahaha!

My pregnancy was easy, I didn't have nausea, morning sickness etc, My "lihi" stage begun and I want to eat Santol. Its so funny because Santol will only be available on June. My husband, family, my family's friends and office mates are all looking for santol! Oh I sooooo feel loved. My Tita from the states went to La Union and Baguio and they are looking for Santol. Nakakataba lang ng puso. Oh Baby D, you are so loved and you're not even born yet!

Fetal Hearbeat day came and my doctor didn't seem to see a heartbeat, blood coloration or moving tissue. I was so heartbroken. This is much worse and much painful than any other pain that I experienced for the past 28 years. My tears start to fall when my doctor told us that there's no heartbeat. My husband, strong as he is, told me to keep calm and don't assume until she talked to us further regarding Baby D's condition. When I saw the findings, it is considered an early intrauterine fetal demise or fetal death. I still managed to control my tears and even smile at my doctor.

She told me that she'll give me another week because sometimes (not to give me us a false hope) there's a miracle. Na bigla nalang merong heartbeat. So we will be back next Monday for another ultrasound and hopefully hear Baby D's heartbeat. If still no sign of pumping, or growing then I'm sorry, we have to say goodbye to our first Baby D.

I broke down in the car on our way home. I am talking to our Baby D in my head and praying for him. Yun na lang naman ang magagawa ko. To pray that he'll continue to grow, to develop a heartbeat. I don't have the right to question God why this happened. Kaya nga ang nasabi ko lang is "GOD". I just called his name, yun lang, because I know he has a better plan for us and for our Baby.

It hurts a lot and I mean A LOT! I can't stop crying when I think about it. Looking at my last ultrasound was so painful. Thankfully I have my husband, my Mom and Dad to support me. Its devastating to think about the time that they will have to remove him inside my tummy. Its like I want him there nalang. I don't want to detach myself to him because he will be forever gone.

My dearest Baby D,  Mommy and Daddy loves you sooooooooooooo much. If you can still grow, please do because there are so many people waiting for you and wants to love you too! But if you want to rest, and you're in pain, Mommy will understand. You'll be in a much happier place and God will take care of you. But I'm still hoping to meet you soon, okay? Mahal na mahal kita, anak.

"GOD" ...

I need to love myself a little more

I think what I'm lacking is the love for myself part. I had so many grudges, I can't control my anger anymore, take it all out on Ali, self pity, and thinking that I am a "victim" all the time. They say that you should love yourself first before you love others or asking them to do the "loving" before yourself. Which I agree and I am looking forward to do and start asap.

and when is the bestest time to start? --- No better time other than today, that is because it is Valentines Day. Love is not only for lovers, but its love for your self, family and friends as well. 

What to do...

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. (STOP LOOKING AT FACEBOOK!)

- Our fight last night was about his company event and I am sulking the whole night because I didn't have a date or a surprise from him. Because yes, I envy those girls who got surprises from their husbands on the eve of Valentines. I just wanted to have flowers or potted flower plant, I want him to give me chocolates, or a letter. A LOVE LETTER. But he shows up 2am having no surprise/flowers/letter/chocolates. Sumama talaga loob ko. I want to feel loved and appreciated.

Realization:  If I hadn't looked and spent the night looking on Facebook, I think there's a little chance that I didn't sulk or envy. Maybe, I will be grateful that I am with my family celebrating my cousin's 19th birthday and cry for the "aww" moments of my uncle with his daughter. I should be laughing with my Titas, singing my heart out and just be thankful that my husband survived his 1st car show and went home as fast as he could to be with me and my family. 

2. I will start to write my blessings everyday. Write something I did good everyday and what I love about myself.

- It is when I write (kahit wrong grammar pa, kebs na!) that I have this realizations, good and bad. I need and want to count my blessings. To feel good about myself and to know what to improve about myself. I really want to change you know, its just so hard. Small steps. Small steps.

3. I want to be closer to God again. 

- Don't get me wrong here okay. I just don't pray as often as before. I go to church not every Sunday but to when my schedule is free nalang. And I think that I can't do this "love myself" program without his guidance. So I just need to put it here. 

4. Be inspired about what you like about other people and be that!

- What I like/ admire about other people is what I want to become. Examples:

Ali: I admire his passion for work. I admire his "helping" attitude. I admire his positivity.

Rinika: She's the most thoughtful person I know.

April: No lates, very very punctual.

My Mom: Very calm, Can control her feelings and the most generous person I know.

Judy: Her passion for makeup and looking good.

Mama: The most patient of all.

Iryss: Her initiative at work. 

Sigrid: No pretensions

Clang: Goal oriented. Knows what she wants. Career woman.

Kit: Also very patient, calm and always look good. 

CFCF: Her love for her family and friends

5. Exercise

- This is all about emotional and physical. Exercise helps me lose weight and losing weight means loving what I look like and my body. Though even though I'm fat (now) I still need to love my body, what I look like and be confident about it. 

6. Accept my flaws and change for the better.

- I know all of us have flaws and bad attitude. So I really need to identify my good and bad attitude to determine what I need to change and to improve. 

I have lots of work to do but I need to do this for myself. After myself, next is the people around me and how I influence and react towards them. 

I should do this more often. 

<3MrsD

Sunday Ramblings

I thank God for my loving, hard working, kind and generous partner, my life changer, husband. Even though we are total opposites of each other, he compliments my well being, he fills up the blank space in my life and my weakness are his strengths. I could go on and on about our relationship. 

As a married couple, I know that were just starting our journey in this hard but inspiring adventure of togetherness. We still have a long way to go but I see us pulling each other up. We are a team, we make sure that we agree and compromise on each other's needs and give each other space to grow as an individual. We truly love each other and we are devoted on our marriage duties as husband and wife. We learn from each other and we learn from others' experiences. 

Just recently, I heard some sad stories about a friend having a hard time with her marriage. Its just sad to know that she's only been married for 7 months and now having trouble with her husband. She's getting advice from me on how to fix their problems but she's always saying: "I just wish that I didn't marry him" I am really bothered by this. You took a vow, in front of your families, friends, office mates and most importantly to God that you will be there for each other for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. 

Her husband (as per my friend's story) changed after they got married. They don't talk and they argue a lot to the point that they want to rip their marriage contracts apart. My friend was bothered by her husband's reaction when she's looking at his phone. She's suspecting that her husband has a deeper "friend" relationship with his colleague, which I hope is not true. I wish and pray for them.

I am just blessed that I have Ali in my life. He's my rock and my world. He's not only a good provider but the bestestest luvah! Thank you God for giving me such a great person and a marriage with no pretensions.

<3 MRS. D

On Career: Don't make others look bad so you can uplift yourself.

In the corporate world, we all know that to be able to climb up the ladder you really have to work your hardest and compete with other colleagues who are also fit in the position. I believe that and I know how hard it is to compete with your colleagues whom you made friends with. As my previous boss said:

"It is a friendly competition"

Although many of us take this light, or in a friendly manner, some just give in to dirty fights. They'll do everything and anything to make others look bad just to uplift themselves, and for me its just WRONG. May pinaghuhugutan talaga ako. Hahaha! 

Soon I'll be transferring to another department with a higher position. (YES, I'm bragging about my somehow PROMOTION. Hohoho! Thank you God!) Someone told my superior that I am not doing well with my work and I didn't took care of my accounts. Somehow it hit me, yes, maybe I didn't give my best, maybe I didn't hit my targets for a few months, maybe I didn't have a good relationship with my clients and I am very lazy to go on provincial sales calls.

Then the other part of my brain talks, yes, you didn't give your best but look at where you are right now? Soon to be in a higher position, the position you are aiming for since you started working. You didn't hit your targets for a few months, but the Hotel Manager saw a potential in you that you can sell. 

I told my husband what happened. He just smiled and said: "Darling, they're just insecure. So don't mind them and just be happy that God has blessed you" That time, I think God is talking to me through my husband. There are so many people that will bring me down but no matter what they do, what they say and what they think, you just have to keep getting better. The sweetest revenge is for them to see that you're happy and successful. Lalala... *insert happy dance here*

I'll just leave you with my husband's word of wisdom:

"Being kind is easy and being rude is easier. But if you chose to be kind, it will give you a satisfying feeling of happiness"

<3 Mrs. D

On Marriage: You and your spouse are one

On marriage:  You and your spouse are one. Therefore include your spouse in every decision you make. If you truly love your spouse, his/her opinion should matter to you. - Isaac Kubvoruno

 Ali and I agreed to place a small plant in our bathroom to make it look home-y. After work, I went to the mall to check out some artificial plant. Since it is for our bathroom, I decided not to buy all by myself. Instead, I asked my husband to pick me up and together we decide which plant are we going to buy.

Back when I was still single, I decide on my own, I can choose for myself and buy anything without asking anyone if its a-okay. I do rely on my parents sometimes because yes, their opinion matters and they are my parents. Given na yun.

Since I got married and vowed to the Lord that me and my husband are now as ONE, my husband's opinion is the one that matters the most. Its not that I can't decide on my own or I always depend on my husband, it is because we are, we act, we think and we decide as ONE now. Its WE not I, its OURS not mine.  Of course, I still do make my own decisions, I just don't think for myself anymore, but for my husband and our future as well.

At the end of the day, we respect and value each other's opinion and decisions. Its important for us to talk about things that matters most.

<3 Mrs. D

Sense of Fullfilment

"Some days I'm extremely focus on my career development and future goals. Other days, I just want to quit and become a housewife and bake shit" 

Saw this on my MUA's Instagram post. WOW. I am so feeling this!!! I know I am so blessed because God gave me a full time job, I'm lucky that I've been accepted to three big companies known in the Philippines. I can provide, I can buy and I have the pleasure of buying things that I want and need because of my job. Work is a blessing. (Please slap that to my face. HARD)

After spending three and a half years in the bank industry, I've been promoted once, got an award for being one of the top sellers of the month in our area and joined a cheering competition which by the way, we won 2nd place. I enjoyed it there. I love what I do, I love the people I worked with and most importantly, I always feel a sense of fullfilment. I have goals, I have so many dreams, I wanted to become a good banker and rise high in the corporate ladder.

Then I got tired, lazy, restless, incontented. Suddenly I became lost and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Lucky girl that I am, I got accepted in a Hotel industry where you have to work 6 full days a week, you must have an initiative to do things so you can brought something to the table and a position where you'll going to be stuck for a very veeerrrryyyy looooong time. There will be no promotions (as in none at all) Maybe that's what I'm lacking? That sense of fullfilment? From promotions or any activities that can wake up my lazy ass. I wanted to go back to the bank industry and feel that sense of fullfilment again.

My ever supportive husband told me that nothing comes easy. He sends me articles that can "cure" my discomfort. One article said:

"There are no lucky people in this world. Whatever me, you or they have - appearance, family, money, success, sport, career, children - was achieved by a lot of stress, determination and hellish HARD work."

Which I dearly understand. For now, as I am on the process of seeking a bank related job, I will continue to work (not so hard, bahahaha), will try to still love what I do and enjoy perks of having a free lunch everyday, free internet access and of course getting paid by it. HAHAHA!

Help me?

<3 Mrs D

Challenging day

"God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers"

My dear husband once told me to just enjoy what God gave me (he means my work). Since I resigned in my previous job I struggled in terms of my career. Its like I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm lost. FOR A YEAR NOW. Maybe that's why this happened? I have no idea.

Ali was very positive. He keeps me grounded and slaps me back to reality if I go bitching around. I don't know what to do without his positive vibes. I'm glad that he's so strong for me and sad at the same time because he always catch me when I hit ground zero. It feels like I'm so weak that I need someone to catch me every time. I hate that. I want to be strong too. 

I tried to enjoy every single day. Thanks to my office mates who kept me company and for being the only reason I go to work. I want and need something that I love and enjoy doing. I know, there's no "easy job" but if you love what you do, I think you'll never know what bad stress is. Because love (for work) motivates you. It moves you. It makes you do good.

Another...

For those who truly know me, (High school, College and BPI friends) knows that I'm one of the most sincere friend they have. I'm honest. I'm pranka. I'm that friend who doesn't tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear. I don't talk behind your back because I can say it to your face because I don't do back stab. What you see is what you get - That's me. 

Its just sad  that some of the friends I thought were my friends, talk behind my back. WHY? and WHAT did I ever do to them? I don't know. I don't want to confront them anymore because it will just create drama (and maybe friction between us?) So I'll let go of this issue for the nth time, move on and just pray for them. Hoping no one will back stab them.

-------

I was supposed to post this yesterday, but I didn't because I don't want to write so much hate. Anyway, God really does magic and moves in mysterious ways. My two OJT's from Ifugao State University surprised me with Red Ribbon moist chocolate cake slices. I was so touched by them and I know God sent them to make me get through a rough day.

I thank God for showing me that even though he is challenging me with problems, he is also blessing me. He knows that giving me this problem will help me grow as a person and for me to become stronger. Nothing can come between me, my faith and God.

<3 Mrs. D

Forty Four

January 30, 2015 was declared by the Philippine Government as "National Mourning Day"
This day is our country's tribute for the forty four fallen soldiers of SAF (Special Action Force) who was fighting for peace in Mamasapano, Maguindanao. 

I was watching the whole eulogy coverage and I my heart was really broken (I was crying all the time) by the look of their Commanders, Parents, Brothers, Sisters, Daughters, Sons and most of all their loving Wives. When Mrs. Pabalinas took the flatform and made her speech, this was the very moment I started to cry. 
I remember some part of her speech:

"Behind every strong SAF troupers, is a brave wife" 

She also narrates the story of their last conversation the night he went to his mission: 

Mrs. Pabalinas: "Daddy, wag ka na umalis?"

SAF Pabalinas: "Ayan ka nanaman, hindi mo nanaman naiintindihan"

Daughter: "Oo nga Daddy, wag ka na umalis, gabi na, baka kunin ka ng bad guys"

I feel for her. I feel for her daughter. The pain, the sacrifice, everything.

I was just getting too emotional because my dear husband dreamed of becoming a Police Officer. AYOKOOOO... Hindi ko kakayanin ang ganong sakit. I thought, if my husband was one of them, paano na ako? Where will I get the strength to push thru with my life? How will I continue? So many questions...

I told Ali about my thoughts and he said: "Alam mong ayoko ng ganyang usapan. Hindi mangyayari yun, matagal na matagal pa tayong magsasama" Knowing my husband, yes, he will not entertain this kind of thoughts, but I can't help it. Lalo na sa panahong ganito. He is a very positive person that he always gets mad at me when I talk stuffs about dying.

My heart and prayers goes to the families and the brave forty four fallen soldiers that sacrificed their life and their chance to be with their families just to fight for peace. 

<3 Mrs. D