English Bulldog talk

I was having a stressful night because of my commute on the way to Blake's for my parents' wedding anniversary dinner. We had a scrumptious dinner, we talked about how everyone was doing, jokes, and my husband and dad's never ending car talks. We moved to our parent's house for dessert. that's when my husband blurted out: "My officemate is selling English Bulldog for only Php15,000!!!" So we all reacted: WEH!!! and I'm like: Sana di mo na bnrought up kasi I know you won't allow me to buy one kasi we live in a condo and no one will take care of it. Huhubels! and then my husband changed the topic. Okaaaaaaayy...
A brief background: I am a dog lover!!! and my husband knows that I super super wish to have one ever since. I like the english bulldog because its extremely cute, lazy and can grow like a pig. HAHAHA! That makes it cute btw. So I always ask my husband to bring me to Tiendesitas for a free realness (viewing and touching) of EBulldog. Its also so expensive -- tumataginting na 45K!!! Anyway...

On our way home, Ali brought the English bulldog topic again and I told him how I felt (na sana he didn't brought it up nalang bla bla) then he said:
You know, I would love to buy you one kasi it will bring you extreme happiness lalo na sa akin kasi I know you'll love it. Kaya nga nagssource ako eh, kaya lang I want you to understand na hindi pa pwede kasi nasa condo tayo and walang maiiwan sa kanya, sa liit ng condo, di naman tayo pwede maglagay ng cage nya dun and also imagine the smell of his poops. Don't worry, if nakalipat na tayo yun ang unang una kong ibibigay sayo. 

Explanation SOLD!!! I love how my husband put my happiness in his priorities and I'm very thankful for his way of making me understand things. I am blessed because God gave me someone whos the exact opposite of me so we can exchange our different views and learn from each other.

Lalala...

<3 Mrs. D

New beginnings

The negativity, the unprofessionalism, the backstabbing, the unwanted relationship --- I had to end it all. Though I still miss my previous work, I had to move forward. I am very lucky to be accepted in one of the leading Online Travel Agencies in Asia. I'm still on training and I managed to go to work 1 hour before. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Oo, ako to si Liah at hindi ito panaginip!

Anyway, I am really working hard to sustain my punctuality nowadays. Though I got late at my gardening workshop last Saturday, I still managed to go to work very early for 7 days now. YEHEY!  I'm so proud of myself! And I kinda like it. Fourteen more days to go so I can make it a habit. And then I'll be influencing my husband as well.

I'm trying to get my mojo back because I'm lazy as hell, because I'm still learning and not busy at work.

Dilation and Curettage

A procedure to scrape and collect the tissue (endometrium) from inside the uterus. Dilation is a widening of the cervix to allow instruments into the uterus. Curettage is the scraping of the walls of the uterus.


After I found out that our Baby D died in my womb after a week of my last ultrasound, we still waited a week and a half for me to bleed and contract naturally. And maybe our baby still wants to be with me because I didn't feel any contractions or blood spotting at all. So my doctor advised me to go back to her last Friday, but due to work related matters, I postponed my visit and instead went to the hospital early the next day. As my ever supportive Mom went with me because Ali needs to report for work (I love you Ma for being with me the whole time). 

My doctor looked at my cervix and it still not open. So she puts a gel medicine for me to contract and bleed. My Mom was with me the whole time in the hallway of the delivery room. I heard new born babies crying every hour and I just felt so hurt at that time that I can't stop crying. I called "GOD" and still didn't ask any questions. Maybe my Mom saw me crying so she talked to me to help me calm down. 

Everyone knows that I'm afraid of operations/ surgery of any kind. Like my lips! I didn't ask my parents to fix my lips because I'm too afraid to have a plastic surgery kahit sabihin pa nila na malayo sa bituka at sandali lang ang operation-- I don't care. I lived with it for the past 28 years and its still present until now. Its my battle scar, my trade mark, my agimat and my beauty secret (maganda pa rin ako kahit may menchi ako. Lelz) All I'm saying is that, I'm not ready for an instant operation. I prepared myself for baby delivery procedure or CS but not D and C. It's too soon indavance ng 6 months! Eh wala naman ako magagawa. I just have to suck it all up and give it to God. As God is greater than anything lalo na ang fear ko. I know God will take care of me. Kaya when I started bleeding, I actually felt nothing. When the nurses started to move me to the operating room, parang wala na ako sa sarili, I let go. 

The last question that I answered was "Saan ka nakatira Liah?" and I'm out. I woke up at the recovery room. I woke up crying knowing that my baby is gone forever and he/she is not in my tummy anymore. "GOD"...

After two and a half hours (30 minutes D & C procedure and 2 hours recovery) I stepped out of the pre-labor room and saw my family waiting for me. I felt warm, I felt loved, I felt complete and still blessed because they were there smiling at me. I let go, I let God take over me. 

Four days after my operation, I'm still staying here at my parents house. I'm very thankful for my husband because he always encourages me to be strong - though alam niya na deep inside me I'm still hurt (physically and emotionally), my parents because they've been with us from the start. My Mom and Dad took a leave from their work just to take care of me. Thank you to my Lolas, Lolo, Titas and cousins who visited me at my parents' house and to all wished me to be well. Thank you God for keeping me safe and for taking care of Baby D. 

Alam ko God, ibabalik mo to sa amin. Alam ko may plano ka para sa amin. Ikaw na bahala... 

Our first Baby D

There's a feeling that I can't seem to figure out after my period got delayed for just 2 days. So I took a pregnancy test. POSITIVE!!! I woke Ali at 6am and the first thing he said to me is: "Gusto mo ng fruits?" Hahaha! We bought another PT and once again, positive. We are now pregnant! I announced it to our reunion (this was on the day when I took the PT). My whole family was so excited for us!

I went to my OB for my first check up and first IE. She told us the do's and don'ts, what vitamins and meds to take and scheduled me for my first ever ultrasound.

Ultrasound day came, and we confirmed that we are really pregnant! I have a healthy uterus, yolk sac, a growing embryo and everything was fine. Ali and I are so happy and overflowing with love. This baby brought instant joy to me and my family. My next schedule of ultrasound and fetal heartbeat was at 3 weeks. Well, to tell you honestly, I was more excited to see my baby again than Holyweek, Hahaha!

My pregnancy was easy, I didn't have nausea, morning sickness etc, My "lihi" stage begun and I want to eat Santol. Its so funny because Santol will only be available on June. My husband, family, my family's friends and office mates are all looking for santol! Oh I sooooo feel loved. My Tita from the states went to La Union and Baguio and they are looking for Santol. Nakakataba lang ng puso. Oh Baby D, you are so loved and you're not even born yet!

Fetal Hearbeat day came and my doctor didn't seem to see a heartbeat, blood coloration or moving tissue. I was so heartbroken. This is much worse and much painful than any other pain that I experienced for the past 28 years. My tears start to fall when my doctor told us that there's no heartbeat. My husband, strong as he is, told me to keep calm and don't assume until she talked to us further regarding Baby D's condition. When I saw the findings, it is considered an early intrauterine fetal demise or fetal death. I still managed to control my tears and even smile at my doctor.

She told me that she'll give me another week because sometimes (not to give me us a false hope) there's a miracle. Na bigla nalang merong heartbeat. So we will be back next Monday for another ultrasound and hopefully hear Baby D's heartbeat. If still no sign of pumping, or growing then I'm sorry, we have to say goodbye to our first Baby D.

I broke down in the car on our way home. I am talking to our Baby D in my head and praying for him. Yun na lang naman ang magagawa ko. To pray that he'll continue to grow, to develop a heartbeat. I don't have the right to question God why this happened. Kaya nga ang nasabi ko lang is "GOD". I just called his name, yun lang, because I know he has a better plan for us and for our Baby.

It hurts a lot and I mean A LOT! I can't stop crying when I think about it. Looking at my last ultrasound was so painful. Thankfully I have my husband, my Mom and Dad to support me. Its devastating to think about the time that they will have to remove him inside my tummy. Its like I want him there nalang. I don't want to detach myself to him because he will be forever gone.

My dearest Baby D,  Mommy and Daddy loves you sooooooooooooo much. If you can still grow, please do because there are so many people waiting for you and wants to love you too! But if you want to rest, and you're in pain, Mommy will understand. You'll be in a much happier place and God will take care of you. But I'm still hoping to meet you soon, okay? Mahal na mahal kita, anak.

"GOD" ...

I need to love myself a little more

I think what I'm lacking is the love for myself part. I had so many grudges, I can't control my anger anymore, take it all out on Ali, self pity, and thinking that I am a "victim" all the time. They say that you should love yourself first before you love others or asking them to do the "loving" before yourself. Which I agree and I am looking forward to do and start asap.

and when is the bestest time to start? --- No better time other than today, that is because it is Valentines Day. Love is not only for lovers, but its love for your self, family and friends as well. 

What to do...

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. (STOP LOOKING AT FACEBOOK!)

- Our fight last night was about his company event and I am sulking the whole night because I didn't have a date or a surprise from him. Because yes, I envy those girls who got surprises from their husbands on the eve of Valentines. I just wanted to have flowers or potted flower plant, I want him to give me chocolates, or a letter. A LOVE LETTER. But he shows up 2am having no surprise/flowers/letter/chocolates. Sumama talaga loob ko. I want to feel loved and appreciated.

Realization:  If I hadn't looked and spent the night looking on Facebook, I think there's a little chance that I didn't sulk or envy. Maybe, I will be grateful that I am with my family celebrating my cousin's 19th birthday and cry for the "aww" moments of my uncle with his daughter. I should be laughing with my Titas, singing my heart out and just be thankful that my husband survived his 1st car show and went home as fast as he could to be with me and my family. 

2. I will start to write my blessings everyday. Write something I did good everyday and what I love about myself.

- It is when I write (kahit wrong grammar pa, kebs na!) that I have this realizations, good and bad. I need and want to count my blessings. To feel good about myself and to know what to improve about myself. I really want to change you know, its just so hard. Small steps. Small steps.

3. I want to be closer to God again. 

- Don't get me wrong here okay. I just don't pray as often as before. I go to church not every Sunday but to when my schedule is free nalang. And I think that I can't do this "love myself" program without his guidance. So I just need to put it here. 

4. Be inspired about what you like about other people and be that!

- What I like/ admire about other people is what I want to become. Examples:

Ali: I admire his passion for work. I admire his "helping" attitude. I admire his positivity.

Rinika: She's the most thoughtful person I know.

April: No lates, very very punctual.

My Mom: Very calm, Can control her feelings and the most generous person I know.

Judy: Her passion for makeup and looking good.

Mama: The most patient of all.

Iryss: Her initiative at work. 

Sigrid: No pretensions

Clang: Goal oriented. Knows what she wants. Career woman.

Kit: Also very patient, calm and always look good. 

CFCF: Her love for her family and friends

5. Exercise

- This is all about emotional and physical. Exercise helps me lose weight and losing weight means loving what I look like and my body. Though even though I'm fat (now) I still need to love my body, what I look like and be confident about it. 

6. Accept my flaws and change for the better.

- I know all of us have flaws and bad attitude. So I really need to identify my good and bad attitude to determine what I need to change and to improve. 

I have lots of work to do but I need to do this for myself. After myself, next is the people around me and how I influence and react towards them. 

I should do this more often. 

<3MrsD