Lost it at 21 weeks

Again, we lost our baby.

We just went to the hospital last March 3 for my regular check up and it was special because this is the time that we will know the gender. Sadly, they didn't found a heartbeat and the baby stopped growing. The baby's size is only 17 weeks and it was supposed to be 21 weeks already. Our OB asked us to get a second opinion and we did because my husband didn't seem to believe that our baby is dead.

We went to another OB and did another set of ultrasound. Same results. Our baby is dead.

After getting in the car, both of us cried and hugged each other like the world fell in front of us. Andun lang kami, umiiyak. Ang haba ng byahe namin pauwi, tumigil na ako sa kakaiyak pero nung sinabi ni Ali na meron nanaman tayong angel, dalawa na sila. Iyak nanaman kami pareho. Sobrang sakit. Alam mo yung for a time ayokong hawakan yung tyan ko kasi di ko matanggap na patay na sya.

Buong gabi, magkayakap kami. Di nya ako binitawan.

Nung nagising ako, iyak nanaman kami. Umiyak sya nung kinausap sya ni Mama, ako ayokong umusap kahit kanino, sa kanya lang. Kinausap ko sya. Na nagsosorry ako kasi feeling ko I failed him as his wife, I failed to give him a baby, na ako yung may diperensya, na nasasaktan ako kasi nasaktan ko sya. Pero alam mo, sobrang swerte ko, kasi di nya ako sinisi. At lagi nya pinapaalala sa akin na mahal na mahal nya ako. Na pinaparamdam nya sa akin na hindi lang pagaanak ang silbi ko sa kanya.

So nagdecide kami na magpa-admit sa ospital para mapabilis na ang pagraspa sa akin. Naghintay kami hanggang kinabukasan para maglabor ako. Alam mo sobrang pagaalaga sa akin ni Ali. Nung kailangan ko pumoops, dahil nakaswero ako, hinugasan nya ako. Lahat sya nagaasikaso. Nagttrabaho pa rin sya para sa amin habang binabantayan ako. Di sya nakatulog kasi hinihintay nya na maglabor ako.

So kinabukasan, naglabor na ako. Sobrang sakit di ako mapakali. Pero kinaya ko naman. Ang di ko makalimutan is nung nilagyan ako ni Ali ng diaper. Andun lang sya nakaalalay. Tapos lagi nya sinasabi sa akin: "Honey you're my hero" Di ko alam kung bakit nya sinasabi yun. Siguro dahil nakikita nya na nahihirapan ako?

Nung dadalin na ako sa labor room, bigla nalang lumabas si Pio. Nung dinala na ako sa delivery room, epidural ang ginawang anesthesia sa akin at sabi nung OB ko gising ako while gagawin sa akin yung D&C procedure. NALOKA AKO!!! Sabi ko, patulugin nyo po ako, kasi ayaw ko ng gising ako. Di daw pwede yun, groggy lang daw ang gagawin. so pumikit nalang ako pero alam ko ang nangyayari sa akin. Tapos nagising nalang ako sa Recovery room sa sobrang init. Haha! Infairness sa anesthesiologist ko, magaan ang kamay nya na mas masakit pa yung swero kaysa sa epidural.

Dinala na din ako sa room, andun si Ali, Mommy at Daddy. Alm mo yung all along kampante ako kasi alam kong andyan yung tatlong tao na nagmamahal sa akin ng unconditional. Nagworry lang ako nung time na nasa labor room ako kasi di pa ako ganon katiwala sa OB ko, sa ospital (na mas feeling ko kasi mas safe sa medical city), tapos lalaki pa yung OB ko so talagang kinabahan ako. Pero nung nagising na ako, okay na. Whew. Safe.

Sobrang sakit lang ng likod ko dahil dun sa epidural. Tapos bawal pa akong tumagilid hanggang 2am. Pero kinaya ko naman. Di nanaman natulog si Ali hanggang di ako tulog. Nung nagising ako nung umaga, hawak nya yung kamay ko.

So nagcheck out na kami, tapos kinausap nya ako kung okay ako. Sabi ko: "Kaya natin to. Malalagpasan natin to." Ayaw ko sumuko para kay Ali. Deserve nya magkaron ng anak. Kahit gaano pa kasakit abutin ko sa mga needles ng injection, blood tests at kung ano pang dapat icheck sa akin, gagawin ko yun para kay Ali.

Yung mga sinasabi nya sa akin na di ko makakalimutan:
- Ali: "Mas minahal kita ngayon"
- Knwento nya kung paano naglabor yung asawa ng staff nya na gusto daw nung asawa eh hawak sya lagi, pero nung ako naglalabor, sabi ko pa wag nya ako tingnan. Iba daw ako, ang lakas ko daw.
- Kakayanin nating dalawa to.

Hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin. Lalo na may breastmilk pa ako. Nakakatawa diba? Yung katawan ko ready naman na magkaanak. Yung anak ko lang ang ayaw sa akin.

Pinabless namin yung fetus ni Pio sa OLA last Sunday. Umiyak ako. Bakit? Kasi sa totoo lang, nagtatampo talaga ako kay God. Alam ko mali pero tinetest talaga ako ngayon ng faith ko. Alam ko may dahilan naman sya kung bakit nya binawi nanaman yung anak namin. Ang unfair lang kasi. Feeling ko naman ginawa ko lahat. Nagresign nga ako sa work ko na gustong gusto ko para makapagpahinga ako sa bahay. Di naman pala yun ang sagot. Dami kong sakripisyo. Yung akala kong gumagalaw sa loob ng tyan ko, puta patay pala. Alam mo yung PAASA. Sakit lang. Ang sakit lang!!!

Alam mo yung gusto kong sumuko kung di lang dahil kay Ali. Kung di lang dahil sa magulang ko na umaasa sa apo. Kapag sinasabi ni Ali na: Oh magpatest na tayo after 2 months. WOW. Ambilis mo naman makamove on?! Di pa nga nakaka one week natin malaman na patay na yung anak natin test na agad? Di ko naman sya masisi kasi gusto nya magkaanak. Pero wait lang naman... Masakit pa rin kasi sa akin na namatay yung anak natin. Hintay mo muna ako makamove on?

PINIPILIT KONG MAGING MATIBAY TALAGA. Para kay Ali kasi ayoko naman makita nya ako na lugmok sa lungkot. Kasi ayoko maging intindihin. Yung pagkaclingy ko nga oa na eh. Sa labas okay ako, pero sa loob hindi. Sobrang sakit pa rin, parang natrauma na ako magbuntis uli. Paano kung makunan nanaman ako? Paano kung mamatay nanaman? Ano another heartache ulit? Another sakit nanaman, paasa nanaman. Ang hirap na magtiwala. Sa sarili ko. Kasi ako yung nagdadala eh. Di naman si Ali, di naman yung OB.

Hai ewan. Sana maging okay na ako. Yung totoong okay na.

5 Months Preggo!

I just read the last blog about my first angel and now I'll blog about my upcoming baby! 

I can't believe after all the drama, God finally answered our prayer, I am now in my 2nd trimester :) 

It has been an easy journey for me and I have to thank my baby for making it easy for Mommy. I just had 2 vomits for the past 5 months, swollen breast (it really really hurts!), bloated tummy, back-acne, super dry hair, darkening of my armpits (so sad) and the appearance of linea negra in my tummy. So far so good. No weird cravings, I am not sensitive to smell and travelling is very easy for me. (I went to Indonesia and Thailand on my 1st Trimester)

Next weekend we'll have the gender revealed!!! Were so excited!  

Change topic...

I'm currently watching This is us. An american series about a couple, how they started their family, how they experience loss and happiness, etc. I'm so emotional. Since my husband went on a vacation with his staff and I'm left alone for two nights. #cryfest #clingypreggo 

This got me into thinking, I don't know if this is the preggo hormones or what, but I want to be the first one dies. If I experience another loss (talking about our 1st baby and all the heart aches experience in the past) I can't do it anymore. I mean, my husband is much stronger that me, he's so positive in everything, he can continue life without me (I think), he can get another girl and re-marry.

Basta. Di ko kakayanin. 

Birth month of my first unborn

October is my 1st favorite month of the year. Why? Because it's my birth month! Yup. I'm welcoming the number THREE ZERO with open arms and beginning another chapter in my life, another decade to fill with new memories.

It's also the birth month of my first angel. I don't know the exact date of her birthday but I know it's in the last week of October. I'm happy to celebrate our birthday together. (okay, I'm starting to cry now and this is supposed to be a happy post)

I don't want to question God but I can't help myself to question:
... Why did I have to experience this?
... Are we not ready yet?
... I know I want to have a baby, but how come it's more than a year since my miscarriage and still I'm not pregnant?
... Nakatatlo na si Kate Middleton, naka dalawa na si Sarah Lahbati, may twins na si Saab Magalona and buntis na din si Belle Daza pero ako, wala pa din?
... WHY.

For my dear husband

Writing about you, our relationship, our friendship, our team is difficult because no words can explain how thankful I am to have this lifetime spent with you. Though at times, we don't understand each other, we have difficulties and we get to each other's nerves, please know that I can live because of you, that I am at my best version of myself because you pushed me to be better, to do more and to grow more -with you. You inspire me to reach for my dreams and to think positive even at difficult times.

People often asks me, may pinagaawayan pa ba kayo? You look so happy together.
Maybe because we chose our battles wisely, we don't show others our struggles because were mature enough to solve it on our own.

Thank you for everything.

I love you.

Holiday realizations

I haven't been updating my blog. Huhu! I AM SORRY.

Anyway, I opened my brother's hard drive and found old pictures and videos of me and my ex. Epic! My first reaction was: Ang payat ko. OMG. I need to get back in shape. PLEASE. and as I continue to browse, I felt happy because what I saw are good memories. As in literal na Laughing Out Loud. HAHAHA! He was my bestfriend since 4th year high school until 2010. I don't regret giving up our friendship because it led me to a much more good life. 

P.S. If ever my ex's wife read this, okay lang na ijudge mo ako na hindi pa ako nakapagmove on or bitter. Hehe! I'm just happy. And I want to thank you for giving my ex-bestfriend a life he deserves. :)

Anyway...

Today, I am so thankful to God that he gave everything that I needed. Iba kapag dumating ka na sa point sa buhay mo na sobrang kuntento ka na. I'm turning 29 this year and I'm thinking what I want to give myself or iparegalo (HAHAHA) kaso... wala na ako maisip na material things. 

All I want?

- Learn new skills

- To gain more experience 

- To be a better version of myself

- To see the world

- To work and reach my dreams

- To have a better career

- To be selfless

and for me to have this? Is just to work on myself more. Ewan, mamamatay na ata ako sa sobrang pagkaover thankful ko. Hehehe! 

<3 Mrs. D